The Memory of Rage that Came Up for Me…

in the meditation this morning was getting angry at my son Nelson. It’s this horrible, bitter memory of anger that I want to share because it illustrates how intense the emotion is, and how important it is to come to terms with as a force in our life.

We were coming home from a family camping trip. We had canoed across this large straight of ocean water up in northern Maine and camped on this island. It was a long crossing, completely exposed, in two canoes. My wife, daughter Anna and son Nelson were in one canoe. Our youngest son Roy and I were in the other.

Every time I looked over at the other canoe, I thought Nelson was slacking off - not pulling his weight. Anna and Ruth were paddling hard. Little Roy was paddling hard to get across. Nelson was slacking off.

I was stressed about making the crossing, worried about the weather, concerned about passing boats, fearful of one or both of us tipping over. The wind was against us. I was scared but there was only one way across.

When we got to the shore and hauled our boats, the rage just overtook me and I yelled at Nelson for a good five minutes. “How can you slack off that way? Why didn’t you paddle hard? How could you expect Anna and Ruth to carry you across?”

I was fuming. Ruth tried to calm me down, but I couldn’t get ahold of myself. I was afraid of the crossing but I was also afraid that he would grow up to be a slacker, someone who takes things for granted.

But here I am, a 6’1” giant screaming at a nine or ten year old boy. Totally lost it.

Nelson and I love each other deeply. Always have and always will. Three things saved our relationship from that experience:

1. I apologized. An hour or so later, when I calmed down and realized what an ass I was being, I apologized to him. Told him that I was wrong to act that way and that no one should treat him the way I did - especially not his father who loves him so much.
2. This was a rare event. Thanks to meditation practice and these teachings, I have come to know my emotions better. I’m more skilled in processing, expressing and holding back my emotions than I was before I started meditating. This incident was rare in our family history.
3. It happened in a context of love. Nelson knew and knows that I love him deeply. I have shared that with him countless times. He knows that I make mistakes, that I try to own up to them, and that my actions have more to do with my issues than they do with his.

None of this is to excuse what I did, how I treated him. I still feel terrible about it, as evidenced by this coming up in practice this morning.

I share this because it’s such a clear example of distorted Vajra energy. And because the more we can process, examine, apologize for and heal our distorted views of the world, the better a place it will be.

So this is not to say that if you practice meditation for thirty years, you won’t feel anger. Or that you won’t make a mess in relationships that you would give anything to preserve.

But I do believe that without meditation, without touching these distorted energies on the cushion and learning about them and their wisdom manifestations I would have made many many more messes in my adult life. And I would have been much worse at creating the loving environment that provides a container for us all to mess up in.